We All Have Dreams

We all have dreams, picture-perfect ideas of how we want to live, and goals we want to accomplish. But life doesn’t always go as planned. We experience challenging times that change our trajectory. Our internal GPS needs to reroute before we continue. It’s in those moments we must decide how to react and respond. And, hopefully, we will have the proper strength to begin again.

THE QUESTION

Ever since Tisha B’av, following the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash, the overarching theme of the past two months has been: “כקדם ימינו חדש ונשובה אליך ה׳ השיבנו” “Take us back, O Lord to Yourself, And let us come back; Renew our days as of old!” — Eicha 5:21. Why are we asking Hashem to return us to כקדם? What is this קדם? And when and where is this ?קדם

Last year R’ Shaul Wilhelm visiting from Olso, Norway, shared the following beautiful thought on the Parsha at our Shul.

After אדם ate from the הדעת עץ, the Torah saysויגרש את-האדם וישכן מקדם לג ן-עדן…” ” So he drove out the man, and he placed at the east of the garden of Eden” Bereishis 3:24 — Seemingly, after the monumental sin of the הדעת עץ, Hashem kicked Adam and Chava out and sent them to “קדם.” So it’s even more puzzling. Why are we asking to be returned to “קדם” — isn’t that the place Adam and Chava were sent to when they did something wrong?! Imagine asking parents for forgiveness for destroying the family car and begging them to be sent to your room or the corner for a timeout.

THE STORY

In his book of memoirs, “All the Rivers Run to the Sea,” and at various speaking occasions (e.g., April 13, 2000, at the 92nd Street Y, transcript found online), Noble Prize Laureate and Holocaust survivor Elie Wiesel tells the following episode:

On my first visit to the Lubavitcher Rebbe’s court [at 770 Eastern Parkway, in Brooklyn, NY]… I had informed him at the outset that I was a Chasid of Vishnitz, not Lubavitch, and that I had no intention of switching allegiance.

“The important thing is to be a Chasid,” he replied. “It matters little whose.”

And so, one day it was, I was in Brooklyn for Simchat Torah. It was before I was married I could go around. And for Simchat Torah, I came; it was very, very special. Thousands and thousands of chasidim were there, and it was raining. I was standing at the door, I had [a] terrible headache, and I [was] wear[ing] a beret. I looked like James Bond in a chasidic shtiebel. The only one without a beard and the only one without [a] kaftan. I didn’t look Lubavitch. Maybe Vizhnitzer, but not Lubavitch. And then, all of a sudden, the Rebbe, who was sitting at the table, saw me. He winked [that] I should come closer. But I felt so out of place I tried to hide in myself. And the Rebbe [winked] again. I made myself even smaller. Then he gave a kind of order, and all of a sudden, I was picked up. And, like a character in Chagall’s painting, they literally pushed [me] over their shoulders and heads, and I found myself on the table, standing, facing him.

And he said, “Reb Eliezer, this is how you behave in Vizhnitz? You don’t even say [hello] to greet the Rebbe?” I say, “Rebbe, but we are not in Vizhnitz; we are in Lubavitch.” He said, “Then do what we do in Lubavitch.” I said, “What do you do in Lubavitch?” He said, “We drink l’chaim.” I said, “In Vizhnitz, too.” So he poured a glass of vodka this size. And this is vodka, too, [and] I don’t drink it. And he said, “Well, say l’chaim.” I said, “Rebbe, in Vizhnitz, we don’t do it alone. The Rebbe also drinks.” He said, “Here, too.” We said the bracha, he drank the whole glass, so did I. With all the antihistamines I had in my body…[m]y head was turning.

“Is one enough in Vishnitz?” the Rebbe asked. “In Vishnitz,” I said bravely, “one is but a drop in the sea.”

“In Lubavitch as well.”

He handed me a second glass and refilled his own. He said l’chaim, I replied l’chaim, and we emptied our glasses. After all, I had to uphold the honor of Vizhnitz. But as I was unaccustomed to drink, I felt my head spin. I was not sure where or who I was, why I had come to this place, or why I had been drawn into this strange scene. My brain was on fire. “In Lubavitch, we do not stop midway,” the Rebbe said. “We continue. And in Vizhnitz?”

“In Vizhnitz, too,” I said, “we go all the way.”

“Well, now, that’s it.” I said, “Rebbe — ”I didn’t know what I was saying. I said, “Rebbe, really.” The Rebbe struck a solemn pose. He handed me a third glass and refilled his own. My hand trembled; his did not. “You deserve a bracha,” he said, his face beaming with happiness. “Name it.” I wasn’t sure what to say. I was, in fact, in a stupor.

I said, “In Vizhnitz, the Rebbe knows.” And he said, “Would you like me to bless you so you can begin again? Drunk as I was, I appreciated his wisdom. “Yes, Rebbe,” I said. “Give me your bracha.”

“All right. I will bless you with a new beginning.” He said L’chaim, I replied L’chaim, and we emptied our glasses. He blessed me and downed his vodka. I swallowed mine — and passed out.”

Indeed, Eli Wiesel had a new beginning. Tormented by the horrors of Auschwitz, Eli Wiesel saw the utmost horrific sights the human eye could endure. He did not want to marry and have children because he felt that bringing Jewish children into such a cruel and brutal world was unfair. Nevertheless, he ultimately rebuilt his life from the ashes, created a family, and became an international spokesman for hope and conscience.

Wiesel writes that friends sent gifts on the day of his son’s bris. “But the most moving gift came from an unexpected place.” It was a beautiful bouquet of flowers sent from the Lubavitcher Rebbe. I guess it represented his blessings for a life invigorated with a fresh start, blossoming like a beautiful, fresh flower. He named his son Elisha after his father, who perished in Buchenwald.

Elie Weisel pointed out that the greatest gift Hashem has given to man is not the power to create something new. The greatest gift Hashem instilled in humans is the hidden strength to create something new again.

THE EXPLANATION

The Pasuk immediately after being sent out from גן-עדן says: והאדם ידע את-חוה אשתו ותהר ותלד קין-את “And Adam knew his wife Chava, and she conceived and bore Cain”

Adam and Chava had everything imaginable. Literally. They were in עדן-גן! Paradise! When they ate from the הדעת עץ, they lost everything, and their world crumbled and was destroyed. Their prior existence was gone, and their life will never be the same. Moreover, they have no experience in this new life. They have nothing to hold onto, base it off, or look to — nothing.

Remarkably, what does the Torah say they did next? They had a child. They rebuilt. They didn’t wallow in sorrow. They didn’t feel sorry for themselves and got up and rebuilt their lives.

Elie Wiesel said, “Hashem gave Adam a secret — that secret was not how to begin life, but how to begin life again.”

When we ask Hashem to return us to קדם, we’re asking to show us the way to rebuild ourselves after we have disappointments in our lives like Adam and Chava. Please give us the strength to begin again — no matter how painful or lost we may feel.

THE FEELINGS

Do you have moments in your life when it feels like this is just where my story ends? But you wish you had just two more months to develop an incredible plot twist of an ending. Life often doesn’t give us that opportunity. It can feel cruel and sad. The end. And then, the most horrific stories wind up in the local newspapers and get plastered all over our social media.

We all reach a point where it’s the moment we’ve been dreading, and life will never be the same again. Some confront it earlier in their lives, and some confront it later. Some even face it multiple times in their lives, and some only encounter it infrequently. I will spare you examples but insert any tzedakah campaign email story you received Erev Shabbos. It may not be to the extent those ads show: fires, hospital beds, or crying kallahs. And what we’re concerned about is our individual issues, inner demons, or acknowledging our failures. Still, concerning us and our feelings, it is our personal and unique (and private) devastation we’re dealing with.

It happens to virtually all of us. We get knocked down, broken, and stuck. And sometimes, getting unstuck is not as easy as one might think. Starting again after a crushing blow is one of the hardest things we can do. Starting again means facing whatever we are dealing with, facing our fears of “what if,”s and working through them. Finding hidden strength within ourselves that we didn’t even know existed. But regardless of how difficult this process may seem, the truth is that starting again is perhaps the most liberating thing you’ll ever do in your life.

THE PRACTICAL

You may have seen other blog posts telling you,’ The secret to success is believing in yourself or some such nonsense. The truth is that this is much more complicated than that. There is no one- size-fits-all approach to solving problems like this — everyone must find their way through it, and your path will not mirror anyone else’s. However, there are some valuable techniques and strategies for dealing with these kinds of problems when you’re feeling stuck– and here are some tips and ideas that might help.

1. Ask for help

This is one of the most important things you can do. You probably have a vast network of friends and family who want to help you. You just need to be willing to ask. It’s important to remember that you may need help with things you may have previously been able to do on your own. Your loved ones will likely be happy to help. You may also seek professional assistance if you are struggling with the situation. Experienced counselors and therapists can be extraordinarily helpful. You don’t have to be alone during this difficult time.

2. Remember that you can’t control everything

This is a difficult one, but it is important. Initially, you may try to control every single aspect of your situation, regardless of what you’re dealing with. In fact, it’s common for people to try to do this. And you might think that if you could control everything. For example, you could somehow prevent your parent’s illness from worsening. Maybe you could even make it better. You may even think that if you could do everything perfectly, your parent would not have to suffer as much. This is not true. You can’t control the progression of the illness. You can’t make your parent’s life less painful. And you can’t make yourself feel less sad about any of this. Somethings we do not control. We only control how we respond to things that happen to us.

3. Set small goals for yourself

This does not mean that you should only be setting small goals for yourself — but in the beginning, it may be helpful to focus on smaller goals that you know you can accomplish. Set a goal to learn 5 minutes each day. Set a goal to do one kind deed for someone else each day. Set a weekly goal for how many phone calls you will make to loved ones.. Set a goal for how many times you will exercise per week. These goals don’t have to be huge — but they will help you to focus on what you need to do and keep you from getting overwhelmed. These goals will also help you to work toward something and feel productive. Seeing you hit your goals is a great motivator. That will help you to feel better about yourself and your situation, which will help you get through this more easily.

4. Commit to a Daily Ritual

A ritual is something that you do every day, usually for a specific reason. It could be something that you do for 5 minutes every day that allows you to calm down and get your mind off of everything. It could be something you do for one hour every day to enable you to process your feelings. It could be something that you do for 10 minutes every day that gets you excited about tackling your problems. Whatever you decide to do, make it a daily ritual so you don’t forget to do it and don’t get overwhelmed. And make sure it’s something that helps you feel better. These rituals can be whatever you want them to be as long as they help you focus on your needs.

5. Finally, start again

If you have just skimmed through this list, you have probably seen that the best way to deal with a trauma or a massive life event shift is to take things one day at a time. And while it’s important to remember to focus on your emotions, you also have to start again — even if it’s scary and painful. There comes a time when you have to begin to live your life again. You have to start again after losing someone you love or when your parent’s illness progresses. You have to start again when you have failed twenty times or more. You have to start again when the former you no longer exists, and you don’t know how people will react to the new you. You have to start again even when you don’t know what starting again will look like. Start again and focus on the present. That’s the only thing you can control — and you can only do it one day at a time.

One year ago, an esteemed member of our Shul community lost a granddaughter. The young girl passed away Chol Homoed Sukkos. Within 2–3 days, the girl’s father decided to begin again. He started a campaign and initiative to write a Sefer Torah in his daughter’s memory. As Torah is the guiding principle to lead our lives, Bereishis, the first Parsha, infuses us with this virtue — Hashem endows us with this strength to begin again. What an admirable way to implement the Torah’s lesson by this young father after losing a daughter! To begin again — immediately! With a Torah! This is a quintessentially true embodiment of כקדם ימינו חדש — bring us back to that place where we can draw forth strength to begin again. May the nifteres, Sima bas Mordechai Yosef, have an illui neshama and the family have true Nechama with all of Klal Yisroel rejoicing with Moshiach.

Yitzy Cwibeker, Long Island NY