Vidu 2023/5784

I wrote the following viduy for myself in place of my machzor. I wanted to share it with you and if you feel it may benefit others, please share.

To my dearest

Your name, your essence, is malchus. You are the queen of mothers, connected, powerful, loving. You and I are coming to Yom Kippur with a loving mission. To connect, in a most intimate way, to each other, and to embrace each other. To recognize the deepest emes; to go beneath all the layers of pain and filth that life has heaped around us, and to touch, even for a brief moment, the eternity, the infinity, the vastness and sublime light that is our truth.

Together, we will come to the ultimate mechila, the dance, where we will be able to forgive.

Ashamnu:

We are guilty. Forgive me for not recognizing you for who you really are. For not realizing your boundless love and confining you to the desperation, the smallness that I built into myself in order to survive.

Bagadnu:

We have betrayed. Forgive me for betraying your malchus. For sullying your greatness with people pleasing and lack of boundaries.

Gazalnu:

We have robbed. Forgive me for robbing you of your identity. For thinking that you are flawed, inadequate, unworthy.

Dibarnu Dofi:

We have spoken slander, behind people’s backs. Forgive me for all the times I have used words against you. For apologizing unnecessarily, for being overly loud to cover up your pain. For putting you down and saying how lowly you are. For believing those who have said it. Forgive me for going behind your back in an effort to survive.

He’evinu:

We have acted in a way that deviated from what is considered normal. Forgive me for believing everyone who said you are crazy. Who said you are mentally ill and all their problems are because of your craziness.

Ve’hirshanu:

we have caused others to sin. Forgive me for keeping you in this place called trauma.

Zadnu:

We have sinned intentionally. Forgive me for allowing my moral decisions to be influenced by those that have hurt me so deeply.

Chamasnu:

We have extorted. Forgive me for taking advantage of you. Forgive me for using all the goodness you have inside as a defense mechanism for survival. Forgive me for burning you out when your overflowing goodness is the biggest bracha Hashem has given you. Forgive me for not recognizing your malchus and for being so horribly, awfully critical of you.

Tafalnu sheker:

We have attached ourselves to falsehood. Forgive me for betraying you by lying. I never wanted to lie. I know you are emes and I let you down by lying to survive. I really wish I could take it back. Forgive me for believing when others put you down and not defending you with the truth.

Ya’atznu ra:

We have abused trust. Forgive me for not trusting you and your goodness. for not smiling to you and for hating you. For hating you for no reason. for not recognizing that you are my truest ally and you are trustworthy. For not going inside myself enough to stop hurting myself.

Kizavnu:

We have been deceitful. Forgive me for my false promises that things will be better. For tricking you into thinking that this life is normal, then telling you that you are crazy.

Latznu:

We have scorned. Forgive me for believing all the scorn and leitzanus that my family has heaped upon you. None of it is true.

Maradnu:

We have rebelled. Forgive me for making you smaller by rebelling. It was an instinctive survival method. I want to be connected to greatness and light and love. Forgive me for cutting you off from these resources. I didn’t have a filter to my rebellion.

Ni’atznu:

We have angered Hashem by disregarding His mitzvos. Forgive me for being so consumed by survival that I forgot to nurture and nourish you and your essence. Forgive me for all the times I have passed up doing the right thing in the name of trauma.

Sararnu:

We have turned away from our responsibilities. Forgive me for not allowing you to be the leader of me. Your malchus would have made you the truest connected yid and mother. Instead I smothered you and did not let your light come through. Your responsibilities in this world were carried out by me instead of by you and your greatness.

Avinu:

We have been perverse. Forgive me for assuming that whatever I heard about you is the truth. For being an akshan for so many years and not listening to your tiny, tiny voice that was trying to be heard above the din of chaos.

Pashanu:

We have acted wantonly. Forgive me for being merciless in my judgement of you. For allowing others to tease you mercilessly and not coming to your defense.

Tzararnu:

We have caused suffering. Forgive me for letting you suffer. Forgive me for not setting up healthy boundaries with others, which created untold pain and suffering. You deserve a golden, royal gate which reaches to infinity. You deserve for all to see the splendor of what is within this royal gate.

Rashanu:

We have been wicked. Forgive me for not crowning you queen over your queendom. And for not allowing you to rule with your strength and glory.

Shichasnu:

We have corrupted our character. Forgive me for constricting you and deflating your malchus.

Ti’avnu:

We have been abominable. Forgive me for losing myself to my reality and for getting angry at myself about my behavior. Forgive me for putting me down again and again and again.

Tainu:

We have strayed. Forgive me for living so far from emes. For losing sight of the light and love and laughter that is you.

Titanu:

You have let us stray. Forgive me for not davening to Hashem for help in this healing journey.

My dearest, I am with you in your pain. I’m holding your pain and my pain, within this golden gate of infinite royalty. Together we will create a circle of healing.

Gemar Chasima Tova.

R.