Tug War

Its 8 45 PM

My blood pressure is rising.

Bedtime. Passed bedtime.

‘’My bedtime is 9 30 now, Im in Kita Vav’’ screams my 9 y.o dear son.

6 y.o dear son runs out of bed needing the bathroom again

4 y.o daughter, bless her heart needs another drink.

Im starting to lose it.

The pantry is calling my name. And I call my husband and ask him to take over please, even though I know it will be difficult if not impossible for him to put 3 kids into bed at the same time. 5 minutes and 2 Oreo cookies later, someone, something, is calling me, a presence deep inside of me, underneath the overwhelm and charged emotions. I hold on for a moment and contemplate.

No, Im not going to run away. I know better now. I take a deep inhale. Exhale. I walk back to the kids room and sit down on my child’s bed, the one with ADHD, I bend down to kiss him good night. He grabs me rather aggressively by the neck and holds me tight. ‘’Mommy, stay with me the whole night, even when Im sleeping’’ He doesn’t let go. I feel a bit agitated, maybe it’s the sugar rush from the Oreos. I hesitate a second but then I close my eyes and surrender. It’s like he knows, he feels me. Theres a fight going on inside my chest, it feels like a tug war. But I know, I just know now that I need this. I need this just as much as my son needs it. Come back. Be present. Come home. And there I am. Captured in my child’s grip, I float away for a moment, into space. No time. No bedtime. Just here. Now. Peace. Presence. At that moment I recall a statement I heard in the FSRC workshop room. “The opposite of Trauma is Presence”

Wow. Does that mean I just did it? I gently pull out of my son’s arms and adjust his blanket, softly singing “Hamalach hagoel’’. With a yawn he turns his body to the other side, clutching his stuffed animal and a few minutes later he is fast asleep, breathing peacefully.

SK