My Shivah

Just like the typical, I had seven days of shivah to cry over the loss. And of course, because I was in shock
I didn’t grieve properly. It’s now a year plus later and the extent of the loss still keeps hitting me.
The seven days was the week between my first therapy session, when I finally realized that the abuse
has killed me and my next therapy session a week later when I started to learn how to grow and develop
even after the murder.
Because I only opened my can of worms years later, all the worms had already given birth to many
children and even grandchildren of worms were born. The can of worms was filled to capacity. In order
not to be too triggered at once I keep opening the can slowly just a little more. So although I keep
dealing with my worms, I have not even opened the full top of the can yet. I just made a tiny whole to
allow me to see a bit inside myself to be able to start killing the worms. Seeing a little what’s behind the
worms. Every day maybe more worms come out. It’s a painful process, but as the worms come out I kill
each one separately. And while I’m killing the worms I’m slowly bringing myself back alive.
Sometimes I feel the need to have 7 mourning days again. Now that I know how much damage there is I
sometimes feel like taking a break for a week and crying. But my life has to continue and will continue.
As a survivor I take each day at a time. Sometimes I need to break it up by hour, sometimes by 5
minutes. But slowly, I’m killing death and opening the door to let life breath within me again.

GL, Brooklyn NY