So, you may be waiting for me to write some creative and emotional poetry coming from the inside of my heart.
No, I won't be doing that. No. I can't be doing that. You see, trauma is blocking me from tapping into my creative side.
I will tell you how much fear I have. Fear of the need to make daily decisions. (A friend told me that they were waiting for the world cup to end before making travel plans. I replied that I am waiting for my anxiety and my sensory attacks to subside before making a simple daily decision).
I want so much and so badly to feel secure, hugged, grounded, protected, loved, understood. Instead, I feel so needy, disconnected, frozen, paralyzed, ready to cry.
I try to reach to my inner child, I try to meditate, I try to self care, I try therapy, medication, etc. But I am just so exhausted.
I often just want this to end but I don't want my life to end. I really want to live. I really want to love. I want to love myself, others, god...... I want to live already.
This is not living. This is surviving, just barely.
When will I be able to share my gifts with the world and with myself?
I am waiting so patiently but I am so tired. God give me the energy and give me the courage and direction to heal.
I am love. You are love. We are one. Let's unite.